My Story
I am a Registered Nurse and IBCLC (international board certified lactation consultant). The transition to motherhood has not been an easy one for me. I have clumsily traversed all the early stumbling blocks of pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding, baby sleep, infant reflux, toddlerhood, finding an identity in parenthood, and just basic survival to come out on the other side armed with a zealot like fervor to help new mothers find themselves in the same uncharted territory.
My Name is Jessica.
My Hubby and I
Before I had children I was a labor and delivery nurse. Part of my job was educating new mothers all about labor and how to take care of the precious bundle held with trepidation in their arms. Bringing home my own babe, I quickly discovered the bullet point education list I had been sending home with new mothers was vastly insufficient for the job at hand. Even with my background in maternity and newborn care, I was not adequately prepared for life with a newborn. The disconnect went so much deeper than newborn care 101. It was a lack of identity in motherhood. I was no longer the same women, yet I had no sense of who I was to become.
My First Babe
Both my infants were difficult babies. They were colicky poor sleepers and seemed to spend the majority of their waking hours crying. I had no idea what I was doing. I was so woefully unprepared for how to nurture a baby. I researched on doctor google and took in all the well meaning advice from friends and family. Yet, I was totally out of alignment. I had no idea what kind of mother I wanted to be. In the end, it turned out I knew a lot about medicalized childbirth and absolutely nothing about mothering.
My son and first babe cried a great deal. Breastfeeding was a struggle. I had an oversupply that was drowning my baby. Each feed began in a torrent of breastmilk ultimately leaving both of us drenched and crying. I remember weeping in the nursery I had decorated with so much care, confessing to my poor bewildered husband, “I am a failure as women.” I had failed at getting pregnant without help, failed at birth (I ended up with a c-section for my first child), and now I was failing to breastfeed.
Enter the world’s most amazing IBCLC, literally dubbed “Boob Donna” by all those who know her. She proceeded to tell me I was “making enough milk for the whole village” and gave me an action plan to breastfeed my son and manage his colic. With her help, I was able to iron out most of my breastfeeding difficulties and my crying baby eventually transformed into the bundle of joy I had dreamed of. I breastfed him for a year before getting pregnant with my daughter.
The birth of my daughter
Shortly after my son’s second birthday, my daughter blessed our lives. This time, I just knew things were going to be different. I was a second time mother now, practically a pro after two years of on the job experience. I knew how to manage my oversupply and I was ready confront all the hardship I had endured the first time around head on.
Alas, my daughter cried ALL. THE. TIME. I came to understand that my son had been fussy while my daughter was miserable. Her symptoms went beyond what I could attribute to oversupply. She projectile vomited after almost every feed and was miserable unless she was in my arms. She was ultimately diagnosed with infant reflux. Her infancy brought me to my knees. Soaked in milk, vomit, and tears, I felt like I was drowning. Doctors where no help. No one had any meaningful advice to offer us. The harder I tried, the deeper we sank.
Enter Boob Donna part deux. She was the only medical professional who truly heard me and gave me a plan of action. She was a light in the dark so I could start to climb my way out of the pit I found myself trapped in. Her step by step plan was the life line I use to pull my family back into the light.
My IBCLC was more than breastfeeding eduction. She was someone who heard me when I was desperate, dark and twisted. I owe more than breastfeeding milestones to Boob Donna. She was the beginning to my own journey to become a light to women in the dark.
While birth is just the beginning, it can at times also feel like an end; the end of who we were, the end of freedom, the end of dreams. Friends, I’m here to tell you that it is not the case. It may be the end of life as you knew it but it is not the end of you. Some days will be hard. There will be times when motherhood feels crushingly lonely. I felt the guilt of wishing away parts of my children’s infancy so that I could regain some piece of my former self. I let these feelings consume me. But it is not an end, it is an exquisite beginning.
It is my belief that when a woman gives birth, the person she was dies with the crowning of new life. The girl you were is gone and she will never return. But what stands in her place is bigger and more expansive than anything her maiden self could have dreamed. It is only when she refuses to let go of who she was to make room for transformation that she misses the awakening motherhood has to offer.
I was well on my way to missing it. It was my daughter who stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t ignore the fact that something was not working in my family. In my desperation to help her, I began looking at my own health. Health was the portal that has led me to here. The answers did not lie in elimination diets or cleanses, but it was the beginning of introspection. Some of us need bigger wake up calls than others. I needed my screaming baby. She was my gift.
All our children are offerings. Especially the “hard babies.” I believe they have a more potent medicine to deliver. I know this season can feel interminable, but you will survive it. Remember, out of the hottest fires come the finest steel. But while you are living through your inferno, my advice is to take it slow. Tend yourself each step of the way. You were made for this and this baby was made for you. When it feels unbearably hard, take a slow deep breath and really feel it all. Feel the struggle, the mourning, the frustration, and the tears. But also feel the unspeakable joy, feel the love, feel your soul expanding. Feel the duality of both great heartache and great joy all in one moment, for this polarity is the fullness of life. It is all there, in that one breath. Then let that breath go and take the next step. I promise you, it will be worth it.
